“You have to be frickin’ kidding me,” stated Iruka, glaring at a sheepish Shizune. “You didn’t REINFORCE THE SHELTER?!”

The assistant shuffled her feet uncomfortably. “There was never time, and we never really needed them up till now and we didn’t have a lot of spare builders or cash…” she gabbled, her voice rising higher and higher as the pounding on the walls increased.

Tsunade groaned and held her head in her hands. “Great,” she mumbled. “We have several packs just about to burst through our flimsy granite walls and we have all the major ninja packed into the space.”

“Don’t complain,” snapped her helper. “You’re the one who wasted all the money on Sake and gambling.”

“Uh… guys?” Hinata spoke up.

“Well, if you’re perfect then I’ll be damned. I know fine well that it was YOU who drank all the complimentary booze I was giving out as Christmas presents!”

“Puh-lease, you were going to drink it yourself!”

“IT WAS JUST ONE!”

“Seriously, you old women, look over here!” Ino glared. “The pounding has stopped!”

It had indeed. All fell silent and looked at the wall.


“Do you think they’ve -” started Chouji, but was quickly shushed by Shikamaru.

And that was when all hell broke loose.

The wall, like some enormous balloon, exploded, showering debris and dust everywhere, and squishing a helpless Kidomaru like… well, a spider. Through the fallen remains and dusty air, a neon pink nail tipped hand burst through, and a battle shriek called forth. “COME TO MEEE, ITA-KUN, MY LITTLE WEEAASEL!”

Itachi blanched, and started running in panicked circles. “Oh, what do I do, what I do, I’m just about blind and they could easily hunt me down and put me in leather and get handcuffs and -”

He was interrupted by Pein. “The best thing you can do right now is herd all the other members together.” He turned to glare at Zetzu. “I thought you placed a decoy note!”

The botanical being, shrunk back in terrified embarrassment. “I did I did I did I swear Pein-senpai but they’re like animals and we think they smell us out and there wasn’t much time… for… a better… note…” He trailed off awkwardly.

“When this is all over, I am going straight to the gardening store for some weed killer!” hissed the Akatsuki leader. His henchman whimpered.

“Quickly! to the escape pod!” proclaimed Kiba dramatically, striking a pose. Kurenai raised an eyebrow.

“We don’t have one. Remember, this manga was based on traditional Japanese culture.”

“No, we don’t have one. I just wanted to say that.” He replied with a grin. “We do, however, have an escape tunnel,” and he rolled aside a boulder to reveal the gaping chasm in between.

“Isn’t that just a convenient plot device strategically placed because our mediocre author can’t think of anything better to get us out of this dastardly situation?” questioned Orochimaru.

Tsunade shrugged. “It works. NOW GET BACK IN YOUR BOX!”

“Shut up. You’re just jealous because I always had better hair than you. Anyway, is it really honourable to take the clichéd and easy way out?”

“Hah! You’re one to talk about honour, you slimy paedophile…”

The third absentmindedly watched his former pupils bickering, and furrowed his already furrowed brow and glanced to hole battered through the supports. With luck they would have a minute or two more whilst the fangirls squabbled (‘I WANNA’ USE THE MAID OUTFIT THIS TIME!’), just enough time to get through the invitingly open tunnel and away…

He sighed. “Aw hell, just get through the damn tunnel already.” The ninja looked at him in surprise.

“So we’re taking the easy way out? Without guts?” Asked Guy in disappointment.

The Third set his mouth grimly. “All’s fair in love and war.” And he set off for the tunnel. Tsunade hurried up to catch him.

“Which one applies to rabid fangirls?”

“Both. Besides, we can gloss over the story later when we’ve won.”

“How do you know we’ll win?”

“Please. This is our author we’re talking about.”

…

“Naruto-kun… you must let it go…”

“NO! This was the one place I was truly happy, AND IT’S DEAD!”

He bawled over the broken remains of his heart, and even Hinata couldn’t move him.

Sakura rolled her eyes, unmoved. “Oh, for Pete’s sake, it was only a ramen bar. And don’t - ” she added threateningly when Kakashi made a move to comfort Naruto, “even think of encouraging him.”

Despite all that pursued them, the company had made it out alive, albeit slightly covered in bat poo. "For pete's sake," Moaned Ino, as she glared Shikamaru into helping her get the droppings off. "She didn't even write that scene, and there was no need for this suffering." Shikamaru just rolled his eyes.

Tsunade pursed her lips as she looked on Team Seven, and turned to the Third. “You never tried to comfort me when I was sad, did you?” she asked in an unnaturally high voice.

He frowned in confusion. “Whatever do you mean?”

“Exactly like that!” Tsunade declared, on the verge of tears. “You never thought about me, it was always ‘Orochimaru this’, and ‘Orochimaru that’, and you never cared when I did something good!”

He sighed wearily. “Tsunade…”

“Dno!” she wept, her voice becoming thicker with crying. “I don’t want do hear your excuses! Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you’re blameless! I know I amn’t perfect,” she continued, “but neither is he! Even Jiraiya’s better than that paedophilic transvestite!”

“Speaking of which,” asked Itachi carefully, “where is my brother?”

Silence.

Kabuto looked at Orochimaru in dawning dismay. “You didn’t…”

More silence.

“I don’t know what you mean,” replied the missing-nin in a voice even higher than Tsunade’s.

Itachi looked horrified. “You didn’t rape my little brother, did you?”

Kabuto waved dismissively. “No, he did that years ago.” He turned back to his master. “Please tell me you didn’t…”

Suddenly, and to great surprise all round, he started crying.

“But… he was so mean…”

“But we needed him…”

“HE STOLE MALIBU BARBIE!”

“Could someone please tell me what has happened to my ex-student?” asked Kakashi, with a resigned air.


“He… was being mean…” he sniffled, “complaining about all the restrictions… he had to stay in at night, or he would have been abducted… and when – when I told him to take a hike, he STOLE ALL MY BARBIES! HE HAD TO GO!” at this point he just collapsed in a flood of tears.

“I can’t believe I’ve been taking orders from a guy who still collects dolls,” said Tayuya in disgust. Sakon nodded in agreement.

“Anyway…” he sniffed. “I told the fangirls… where his room was…”

“NO!”

“Great,” said a gloomy Naruto, as all ninja went over to comfort the hysterical missing-nin. “We’ve got a Tsunade with abandonment issues and a Sasuke who will probably never eat again after we get him back. What a great time we’re going to have.”